im going through work like a prisoner would doing his time. 3 more months of boarding, of sleeplessness, of endless phonecalls, and my head on a chopping block feel. i am like a zombie.

on the other hand, my boyfriend could be the most understanding boyfriend in the world. he never complains abt the little time we see eachother. if there are times if i seem like i am lifeless, know that you bring me to life, and i love you, so fucking much.

tomorrow's work. now i shall sleep.

and this feels like love,
except there's no fear of losing and it isn't tough.

back from tokyo, its been a week since i left that freezing samurai city. i miss it, but i missed you more. i remember we escalated when i was miles away, i called you in the cold corners of alleys of ochiai-minami-nagasaki, nakano, ueno, ikebukuro, koenji, harajuku , just to name a few..just to hear your voice and you told me that you missed me and you wanted me to come home asap.

i'm flying off to tokyo tomorrow morning, be back next next monday.its gonna be an adventure for me,im so excited.
but i must say i will miss you, i miss you already. i predict i'm going to text / call you like nobody's business to tell you how it sucks being apart from you. so cant wait to see you later. x

i don't even know why im even surprised. you actually, actually, get me. me, with no illusions, no embellishments.

i'm breathing easy, i'm breathing easy.

the panic attack last night churned out from years of being subjected to constant abandonment and disappointment, which all started well before i was 2 years old.
there were so many things you mentioned last night but the last thing you said to me before i slept stood out the most - "I'm still here. I'm not gone."
i still believe that all of this, is a waste of time but,
i exhaled.

it was as if, i've been holding this one last breath for nearly a year, as if my muscles were hard and my face was strained.
then it was as if, you took that last breath, and breathed restoration, into me. for the first time in nearly a year, for the first time...i find myself no longer alone.

i am still reveling at this.

"I was sitting in a deli, reading Dorian Gray, a guy came up to me and asked me about it and now he's my husband. So what if I'd gone to the movies? What if I'd gone somewhere else for lunch, or reached the deli ten minutes later? It was meant to be. And I just kept thinking, Tom was right. It just wasn't me you were right about." - Summer

McKenzie: So do you have a boyfriend?

Summer: No.

McKenzie: Why not?

Summer: Because I don’t want one.

McKenzie: Come on; I don’t believe that.

Summer: You don’t believe that a woman could enjoy being free and independent?

McKenzie: Are you a lesbian?

Summer: [laughing] No I’m not a lesbian. I just, don’t feel comfortable being anyone’s girlfriend. I don’t actually feel comfortable being anyone’s anything.

McKenzie: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Summer: Ok, let me break it down for you–

McKenzie: Break it down!

Summer: Ok. I, like being on my own. I think relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it? We’re young, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world; might as well have fun while we can and, save the serious stuff for later.

McKenzie: You’re a dude. [to Tom] She’s a dude!

Tom: Ok but wait–wait. What happens, if you fall in love?

Summer: You don’t believe that, do you?

Tom: It’s love, it’s not Santa Claus.

and he asked, and i said, absofuckinglutely.

*

granny's in town. she's very sick. i'm sad.

*

bought lonely planet Japan just now. i am devouring it. gonna make a trip to Kyoto by myself to be a geisha and stay in a ryokan. i sooo can't wait.